Vulnerable

Last week sort of sucked. Besides two friends' parents becoming ill (one who's father is a dear friend of mine), and my heat not working, I had a strange pain in my groin, which I convinced myself was cancer (of the Tom Green variety). So, I called my insurance and they assigned me to a PCP. When I arrived at the office, I saw the sign "Women's Health Specialist" next to my doc's name. I went in anyway. Turns out I have an inoperable inguinal hernia, which is much better than cancer. This led me to a couple realizations:

#1 that I'm getting increasingly less invincible with age (which also means that I need to exercise), and
#2 that I'm incredibly private about these things (I didn't share the situation with anybody until I checked out OK); and in the bigger picture, I value vulnerability in others, when I am only selectively vulnerable.

So, I am older. 28 to be exact. This takes me away from legitimately claiming myself in my mid-20's. In a lot of ways it's the perfect age; I am taken seriously in a professional context (no longer Doogie Howser the Alumni Director), and I am still young enough to be considered "fun" by college kids. My biggest problem with aging is not age itself, but the fact that I can't jump through a time portal and be 22 again. I just can't believe I am going to lose my 20's so soon. Another problem is that everybody at work guessed I was turning 30 or 31. I am not sure where I get my old-looking genes because my mom and dad look(ed) incredibly young for their respective ages.

Last night I had a birthday party at my apartment, which was incredibly fun and well-attended despite frigid temperatures outside. (which includes my song obsession of the week - "Remind Me" from the GEICO commercial.) At about 8 pm, when only 7 people were here, my never-before-seen, silver-haired, 70+ year old next door neighbor came by to tell us to be quiet (which reminded me of Len in CT, and our hotel neighbors at the Utah Marriott, Petey). Anyway, we partied until 3:15 in the morning without a hitch. Though I was supremely stressed about the neighbor, the greatest thing about the party was circulating around and reconnecting with people who I hadn't seen in months. It gives a context for future scheming. Until they have babies.

My friend Skyler pointed out the feel of the party was markedly different from a college party. There were 60+ but it never got out of control. There were lots of couples, many were married (though none had kids). People brought good wine and premium vodka; I served Lambic peche. Nobody vomited. A lot of our conversations centered around big life decisions -- kids, career, location, spirituality, relationships. I spoke gleefully about mutual funds (yay for Vanguard's International Value!), and debated with a statistician about equating standardized tests. Let me mention - it wasn't sedate - there was a great energy and lots of smiles and laughter; i.e., I had a blast. But, my contemporaries, we have evolved. And, it's OK. It's actually great.

Well, one discouraging thing that I noticed is the tendency for people to start becoming hermity at this age. I know a lot of people who are well-intentioned with a very social past who just opt to stay at home -- because it's regimen. I also notice people are a lot more likely to flake, as I have mentioned before; this is probably because we live much more siloed livess. Alarmingly, Sarah pointed out to me, and my current roommate's behavior corroborates, that single men over 40 basically go home every night, watch TV, do work on their laptop and drink hard liquor, often alone. I don't want to do that; but maybe when I am doing it it won't be so bad.

Something that my PCP told me in light of my hernia and aging is that I need to exercise more. She said that my metabolism is not going to get any better. And, as I age I can start to develop chronic problems due to my lack of substantive exercise (not including walking). My family has been bugging me about this for years, which has justified my resistance -- to now. I just need to bite the bullet and do it. I just don't know where to start. Men's Health Magazine? I have hired Akeisha, to harass me to do this. I also need to force myself to eat healthier! The sad thing is that I totally know how to eat healthy, it's just a matter of attention span and discipline.

So at the party more than one person came up to me and said the common thread about my guests was that everyone was nice. I like that. I usually say that the common thread of my friends -- the primary attractor -- is vulnerability. Something that Jen pointed out to me is that I am only selectively vulnerable, which is true. It is a major double standard. I have a great skill, which has grown out of my stream of consciousness/ADHDness, to change conversations when I don't like where they are going. And, I can't stand to be psychoanalyzed - unless I determine the scope/set the parameters.

With that said, I can't believe I didn't tell anybody about my fear. I apologize to myself for that.